Monica’s aunt never asked why her grandmother felt that way and she never was able to defend herself. As a result, Esther has hated her grandmother since. She swore she wouldn’t speak to her or have anything to do with her again. In fact, she has held that grudge for close to 70 years. The grandmother has long since passed away, yet Esther still holds the pain of that moment so long ago.
The grandmother hurt the aunt because she hadn’t asked about her side of the story and assumed Esther did wrong, not the cousins. This gave Esther the feeling that the grandmother didn’t have her back. The grandmother chose the cousins over her and Esther was wounded by her grandmother’s betrayal.
Deep down that wound has lodged itself into Esther’s psyche, keeping her angry and stuck for close to a century. She has had every right to be angry because the grandmother betrayed her, but deep down, she is still hurting. The grandmother delivered her a deep attachment wound that is still, 70 years later, festering. Attachment wounds are the most painful wounds of all; they are the hurts that occur when those that are supposed to love us, abandon us.
One way many of us cope with deep hurt is by building a hard wall of anger around it. This anger shuts us away from feeling the depth of the hurt. The problem is we can’t soothe the hurt unless we take the walls of anger down. The anger or grudge is really about blaming. Blaming another person for our long term hurt.
Monica’s Aunt Esther has kept herself stuck by maintaining this grudge. If she were allow herself to experience the hurt around the attachment wound, rather than focusing on the blame for her hurt on her grandmother, she might able to let go of the hurt over time.
When we blame our family members, our partners, or friends for our hurts, frustrations and overall bad feelings, we get stuck. Blame shifts focus to those around us, keeping us away from experiencing the pain, vulnerabilities and shame of something that has happened.
In the best case scenario, if we can look inward when we are most angry and blaming of our partner or friend and take a look at what is really hurting us, we might see the events and our partner differently. The next step is telling the other person how hurt we feel and that we need them to understand that their behaviors are causing us distress. We can then ask them to stop and understand that it is hard for us when they do that behavior. When we stop blaming or holding a grudge and access the real feelings around a negative event, we can start to heal and ask for what we really need. Maybe it is an apology; maybe it is simply a hug. But mostly, what we are all yearning for is a safe, secure and loving connection with our family and friends.
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
